Time to Brush Off the Old Dictaphone!

Since I’m still getting used to the whole idea of a “blog” being something more substantial than the sound my toilet makes when it’s backed up, you will have to bear with me as I find my voice. And since I don’t know who I’m even speaking to, or why I am reading this aloud from a previously typed memo just so that Carli can type it for me again, I fear that there already far too many layers of postmodern nonsense for this to be penetrable. But still, we must press on.


Today we will be going over a few items that I consider to be Gifts to All:
1. Phones capable of conference calls. Because when Mr. Schwapp is vacationing in Hawaii, I still need him to know that I’m doing a good job.
2. Proper hygiene. It’s not hard, Foster. You take the soap, you rub it over your body, and wash off your inch-thick layer of grease and grime—preferably with water instead of Schlitz. 
3. I Love Lucy. It’s a visionary story of one man’s dauntless and sagacious entrepreneurial feats.
4. My owl-stick, Archimedes. Because he’s great for morale.


Likewise, I feel it is my wish—nay, my duty—to discuss some criteria that I can only describe as Plagues Causing Society’s Ruin:
1. The lottery. I just think it’s a bad idea to randomly reward people for burning money.
2. Anti-Socialist and anti-Communist rhetoric. Say what you want about Stalin, the man knew how to run a factory.
3. Bagel World. You cannot actually be out of cream cheese, Bagel World! How come that guy has cream cheese, Bagel World? Why is that? Do you expect me to eat my bagel dry, you utter loss to humanity? Because I can’t do that, Bagel World. You ask the impossible.


I could go on, but I am fully aware of the fact that for every minute I am away from my desk, one more bottle of Gorilla Glue has been emptied onto my seat. I really have to ask Foster if he deducts his prank expenses from his tax return every year.

I am ever vigilant.